April first (Dams can only hold strong for so long)
by Eternityprevails
Summary: April first fifteen years ago his life came crashing down around him. Sometimes he still allows himself to cry. TW: Cutting, Drinking, and Depression
1. April first

Dick sat on the floor of his bedroom in Mount justice quietly banging his head back against the wall trying not to cry or scream. It was about five in the morning and he knew he needed to get up get ready for training soon but he couldn't bring himself to get up from the position he had been sitting in for almost three hours, ever since he had woken up from his nightmare.

Today was April first, the anniversary of his parents' deaths fifteen years ago. He used to have nightmares around this time for so many years when he was still Robin but he hadn't in almost two years and wondered absently why it had resurfaced again. He closed his eyes and rested his head against the wall that he had been beating it against, unsurprisingly a dull headache pulsed in his skull. He really needed to get up and get ready for training it was already coming up on five fifteen and training started at six.

Five twenty rolled around, he needed to get up and get ready but he couldn't force his body to move. Scenes from the dream played over in his head making him want to scream.

Five twenty-seven, he looked at the clock and pushed himself to his feet with a great emotional struggle

**Your mom would just be waking you up to start practising on the tightrope. The circus would be packed today with tourists and visitors just trying to get a little bit of fun left in the weekend before Monday morning.**

The thought hit him like a semi-truck full of bricks and just as quickly as he had resolved to het up his legs gave out under him and he sunk to the floor quietly choking back a sob. Five thirty struck and his alarm started playing on his phone. It was his backup alarm that almost never went off cause he was almost always up early. He forced himself to crawl over to the dresser where his phone was and shut off the alarm before calling one of the only four saved numbers on his phone. It only rang for a second before Diana picked it up "Hey Dick is everything okay?" She asked softly knowing what day it was and already willing to say yes to almost any request he would ask of her.

He stayed silent for a moment afraid his voice would crack "I-I know its last minute but can …. Can you take over morning training" He stuttered out the request still choking back tears. He could hear Diana sigh sadly on the other end of the phone

"Of course, take care of yourself… What do you want me to tell them"

"Tell them," He thought a second "Tell them that I was out patrolling super late" He hung up without waiting for a response feeling slightly bad about it. He just laid down on the floor where he was feeling like he didn't have enough strength to get back up. He just laid there looking at his ceiling for two hours, his phone rang it was Bruce he didn't answer it. He was sure Diana had called Bruce and told him that Dick was having a bad day. His phone rang again and then a third time, he was sure it was Bruce again but he didn't check at all.

At around ten he peeled himself off the floor and turned on music in Romani while he turned the hottest water possible and dragged himself into the shower. He just sat under the scalding heat till it went cold and he was forced out to get dressed. It was nearing noon when he actually made it out of his room for the first time that morning. He was dressed in civilian clothes, Black Jeans, sneakers, a black designless T-shirt and his black sunglasses. His hair was dishevelled and he had made no motion to comb or fix it this morning. "Good afternoon" It was Aqualad who addressed him, he just made a small acknowledged grunt and poured himself some juice.

A large amount of the team was sitting in the kitchen eating and they all went quiet when he entered, he wishes they hadn't because everyone going quiet meant that no matter the lie that had been told to them they could tell something wasn't right. "Um…Nightwing I made some food if you want some" It was M'gann who looked hesitantly and uncomfortable, the whole original team knew his identity and knew what this day was to him but few of them had ever actually seen him in one of his moods that often accompanied it. "I have places to be," He said roughly trying not to sound too harsh but even the idea of food made his stomach do backflips "I'll be on radio silence most the day." He took a small sip from his orange juice and turned around walking to the Zeta tubes and leaving.

Despite the ridiculous amounts of money he had donated to keep this place up over the years it was still falling apart in ways. The sign was faded and the stones he wanted were completely at the back of the cemetery in an area that was somewhat secluded by trees; the stones were faded in time. Fifteen years, it had been fifteen years since he had watched them fall, fifteen years since he had heard the cheers of the circus or the voices of his parents. He couldn't admit to himself that he was forgetting what those things had sounded like. A soon as he was in as private a spot he could get out here in the middle of the day he collapsed onto his knees in front of the two stones. All the tears he had been holding back since the nightmare suddenly broke with an intensity that shook his whole body and he sobbed and sobbed and sobbed sitting on his knees long past the point where the lower points of his legs were painfully asleep.

"I'm sorry" Je whispered not really sure what he was apologizing for, maybe for slowly forgetting his parents' voices, maybe for not visiting them the previous year, but more likely he was apologizing for surviving. "I'm sorry" It was all he could think to say to them any more, he felt tired and broken and just so small. "I'm sorry" Anger rose in his chest, he tore his sunglasses off his face throwing them into a tree where they shattered into a million pieces. His whole body was shaking in grief and adrenaline. He wanted to say anything else but his mind was drawing blanks on everything all he could do was think

**His mother woke him up early "come my little Robin" she said softly holding his hands and leading him out of the tent quietly as to not wake the other performers. She led him to the high rope with a new underneath it "Your old enough to fly now my little Robin" She said looking at her young son who looked wide eyes at the rope high in the air. It wasn't as tall as his parent's rope and there was a net under it which his parents never had but this was his first time on the tight rope, he knew one day he would be able to be just as good as his parents were.**

He lowered his head tears streaming down his face silently. He wasn't sure how long he had sat there but the sun beat down on his shoulders and back even though the dark clothes making him uncomfortable. He didn't care he deserved to hurt or at least be uncomfortable. "Why couldn't I have died that night?" He whispered quietly

It was dark when he got back to Mount justice, his jeans were muddy at every point under the knees and he had bought new sunglasses. "Are you okay?" The voice startled him, It was Wally standing and leaning slightly against the wall. He had probably been standing there for hours waiting for Dick to return back to the area

"I'm fine," he said softly looking at his boyfriend but not meeting his eyes, he felt like he was going to collapse from exhaustion or start crying again or potentially both. "I just really need sleep" He admitted his defences slowly falling. Wally could see his changes and stepped forward to hold him

"Come on, let's get you to sleep then" Wally whispered leading the younger man to his room. Dick just sat on the edge of his bed in a malaise while Wally removed his muddy shoes and jeans and tucked him into the bed. "I'll be nearby if you need anything" He whispered and kissed his boyfriend forehead softly before leaving the room.

An hour passed, then two, four, five. It was rounding two in the morning and he thought that maybe, just maybe Dick would sleep through the entire night. He should have known it was a hopeless and desperate thought but that didn't stop him. Six, Seven hours passed Wally was nodding off on the couch just off the hallway. He was trying to stay awake just in case Nightwing needed him but exhaustion was slowly taking over him.

Eight hours, Wally heard the loud screams in the foreign language and ran to Nightwings room as fast as he could exhausted and on an empty stomach. People were already there, Miss Martian, Aqualad, Connor, Blue Beetle, Impulse, and almost everyone else who had been staying at the cave that night. "MOVE" Wally demanded and without question, most of the people separated out of his way until he could reach his boyfriend.

Nightwing was screaming out Romani world in his sleep, sweat dampened his hair to his forehead and he was twisted in the blankets that he was struggling against. "Nightwing" Wally whispered softly kneeling down beside the bed "It's just a nightmare" He shook the younger boy trying to wake him "you can wake up now, you're safe it's just a dream" he whispered again trying to wake him to no prevail. He grabbed Nightwing's arm shaking him a little harder, he saw nail marks scratches down the boy's arm and knew he must have hurt himself while asleep. "NIGHTWING," He said louder and then paused for a moment not sure what to do. Normally it was easy to wake him from his nightmares, all those years of him being Robin and screaming and crying it had never been hard to stir him from a nightmare but now he just couldn't get the boy to wake. An idea struck him "Robin?" He said softly. Dick was awake in a second startled and shuffling off the bed to get away from the concerned crowd that had formed.

He was looking around wildly like he wasn't seeing what was actually in front of him, slowly he stepped back. He was breathing hard and pale "Shh Robin it's just us your friends" Wally got up off the bed slow showing he was no threat to the young hero. He may have been fast but a scared bat more than he could handle. Dick looked at them like a wild animal trapped in a corner. "Wally?" He said softly his eyes growing more gentle, he sounded like that scared thirteen-year-old boy from when the team had just formed and not like the battle-hardened Twenty three-year-old leader. Wally slowly approached him and when he was close enough he hugged him as tight as he could. It was a second of silence and nonreaction to the touch and then Dick collapsed into Wally's arms sobbing. Wally mentally moved both of them down to the ground, Dick still grasping onto him as if his life depended on it

"It's was my fault, It was all my fault" He sobbed shaking

"It wasn't your fault" Wally reassured them petting his dark hair "it wasn't you who killed them, and you were just a child"

"I was supposed to be up there with them, I should have died along with them" He sobbed out choking on his own voice and trembling. "I – I – I" He paused "I want my dad" He whispered still sounding like the thirteen-year-old boy. Wally nodded and turned around to the crowd that was still standing and looking stunned

"Robin," He said and both the current Robin as well as Nightwing looked up "Call Batman and tell him that Its April first, he'll know what it means" The young robin ran off and then came back a few minutes later with Batman on his tail. Bateman pushed his way through the crowd and walked over to his oldest son crouching down in front of him.

"Hey Robbie, are you okay" His voice was softer than anyone else on the team had ever heard it. Rightwing went from clinging to and clung to Batman his sobbing coming back with a new intensity. Wally got up and showed every one of them out of the room leaving Bruce to talk Dick off the emotional ledge.


	2. Self-Destruction is Basicly a Bat-Famil

Dick hadn't come out of his room since Batman had left almost five hours ago. It was rounding eleven, wally had tried to talk him out but he wasn't having it and went as far as to change the password on his door so that his boyfriend couldn't enter. After the events of the morning, the team was demanding answers, Nightwing was their leader and if something was wrong with him they wanted to know. The youngest of the team was scared that he was hurt while the original members just watch "April First is ... " Wally had tried to explain it to them the same way Batman had explained it to the original team before they learned of the mini-bats secret identity. The words seemed to die on his tongue and he met the eyes of every member of the team one at a time trying to look as if he wasn't too terribly concerned. "it's an anniversary for Nightwing, he lost someone special to him a long time ago on that date and..." His explanation faltered off and nobody in the room spoke for a long time.

Dick was still sitting on the floor where Bruce had left him. He'd promised his adopted father he would get up, shower, and eat but he had no intention to actually do any of those things. It was around eleven when Wally knocked on his room again "Babe are you okay?" He called through the door, it didn't take a detective to hear the concern that was heavily lacing his voice.

"I'm fine" He only spoke loud enough for the speedster to hear him. His voice sounded weak and foreign to his own ears, for a second he wondered if his parents would even recognize his voice anymore.

"Okay well I'm going to be in the cave all day, and I have my phone so just call me if you need anything" He spoke again and Dick could imagine him holding up his phone and waving it in front of the door to emphasize his point. He didn't' answer and after a few minutes of shared silence, he could hear Wally walking away. Slowly Dick managed to drag himself off the floor and to the dresser by his bed and unlocked it. Whisky, a little over half a bottle which he hadn't touched in almost three years, a small shot glass, and a red pocket knife with the flash insignia on it. He hesitated for a second before pouring himself a shot downing it and chasing it with two more. The speed of the shots, one after another made him dizzy, fuzzy, and warm. He sat on the floor with his bottle, shot glass, pocket knife, and his headset connected to his phone blasting out loud music. The kind his mom and dad played when they were training on the trapeze, the kind Batman let him play when he first started training as Robin. The kind he hadn't listened to in several years. Maybe he had been trying to block out that part of himself, the same way he tried to block it out by not going to his parent's graves for so long.

Tears burned his eyes and he took another shot. He felt like he was thirteen again and he looked at the knife swallowing the bile that was in the back of his throat. This was a bad idea he tried to tell himself; he hadn't done this in years he knew that he shouldn't even consider doing it now. But his sadness made him exhausted and his whisky made him numb to reason even from his own mind. He clicked the knife open and let it drag across his leg, at first it was just soft scratches over his skin. The kind that didn't leave marks or hurt, the kind that just felt like running long nails. Each stroke over his skin was harder till he started drawing blood, the knife wasn't sharp so it just tore at the skin and made Dick flinch as they ripped open scars. Another shot of whisky and he let his knife hand be heavier and angrier. "It's was my fault" He whispered to nobody hanging his head but not stopping his actions. "I should have been up there, I should have fallen with them." his hands were shaking and he was having trouble controlling himself, he pushed the knife down and across really hard and had to bite down on his hand to stop from screaming out.

He didn't mean to go that hard but as he watched the blood run down and drip onto the tile floor he had the uncontrollable desire urge to do it again. Another shot of whisky and he examined the knife in his hand. It used to be Wally's but Dick had stolen it from him back when they were both young and still relatively new to the whole sidekick thing, he wasn't sure the boy had ever even noticed it's disappearance.

Another shot, the blood was cooling against his skin. Somewhere in his right mind, he knew that this was a really bad idea but he put the blade against his leg again. Then again, and again, and again, and again, and again each time harder and deeper. He rested his head back against his bed and fell asleep for a little while. When he woke up he was freezing; he looked at the clock it was just a little before three. He looked at his leg and it was still slowly bleeding, blood pooled under him and stained the edges of his boxers red. A knot of guilt welled up in his throat, the cuts were bleeding enough to make him concerned and definitely could use stitches and he felt like an ass for even making them. He crawled over to his phone and looked at it for the first time in almost two days.

13 unread texts from Wally yesterday

1 - "Babe, you plan on eating before training?"/em/strong/p

2 - "Dick are you awake?"

3 - "Hey sleepy-head do you plan to get up today?"

4 - "Hey Babe, you're kinda worrying me here I know what today is I just want to make sure U R OK"

5 - "DICK? Why is Diana leading training are you okay?"

6 - "LIES you didn't patrol at all last night"

7 - "Babe?"

8 - MISSED CALL FROM *Dumbass 3*

9 - MISSED CALL FROM *Dumbass 3*

10 - "Babe I'm worried about you did you go to your parents grave please just text me"

11 - "I'm going to be right here waiting by the zeta tubes when U get back, I don't care how late your out

12 - "don't forget I love you"

13 - "Dick I love you more than anything else in this world, Please if you plan to do something stupid or if you've already don't something stupid just call me I won't be mad I promise, I love you."

and one from that morning, well afternoon.

1 - "I know that everything seems awful right now but remember that you are loved. I love you, the team loves you like family, your brothers love you and everyone is worried about you right now. I know you really don't want to be disturbed so I won't spam you but I also know about that locked drawer in your room. If your going to drink be safe if you plan on doing something stupid call me before you do something that you will regret."

The text message made the knot in Dick's throat tighten and tears started falling down his face. What was he doing, drinking, and cutting, and isolating himself for days. This was the actions of a depressed thirteen-year-old. He wasn't thirteen anymore, as much as it hurt to admit it even in his tipsy state he knew that what he had been doing was selfish.

'Wally' He started to type a message, his breathing seemed to pick up and he couldn't think. This was such a bad idea, really everything he had done for the past two days had been bad ideas. This was probably the best of the worst Ideas that he had. ' I'm so stupid, I'm such an idiot, I made a mistake, please I need you, the door code is 040108' He sent the message and within no more than a minute wally was typing the door code into the door. He opened the door took a step in and shut it immediately so others couldn't look or follow him in. The site in the room was pathetic. Dick was sitting on the floor with his head leaning against the bed, he was naked except for boxers that were now stained by blood. There was a bottle of whisky only a quarter left in it, blood on Dicks' leg and the floor, and the knife that was half-heartedly hidden under the bed.

OHMYGODDICKAREYOUOKAY, THISISALOTOFBLOOD." He stopped talking and touched Dick's face, it was cold and clammy. The younger man looked at him and frowned tears starting to form in his eyes again.

"I'm sorry" He whispered and shook his head "I'm sorry" He really didn't know what to say.

"Shh, it's okay" Wally whispered and started cleaning up the blood on the boy's leg before rescuing the stitches kit from the bathroom and stitching the cuts that looked deep or were still bleeding. Dick was so out of it between the whisky and the blood loss he only moaned softly at the needle against his skin. As Wally was finishing up Dick looked at him, tears were streaming down his face.

"I should have died with them" He choked out. Wally crawled over and pulled the boy into his lap brushing his hair softly

"No Dick you shouldn't have. You're just tired and scared, just sleep now we can deal with it later." Dick nodded weakly and rested his head into his boyfriend's chest and cried himself to sleep.


End file.
